All the News That's Fit to Print

I was waiting in line at Cub today and picked up a lot of valuable information.

Did you know...

...Dr. Phil's marriage is kaput and his house is for sale?
...Carrie Underwood lost 20 pounds and you can too?
...Britney Spears has relapsed (I didn't even know she had lapsed, let alone relapsed)?
...Stedman's drunk daughter had it out with Oprah?
...Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom are an item?
...it's "Regis out, Seacrest in"?
...the end of the world is sooner than you think?

Yep, that's what I learned from just reading the headlines. Let me know if I missed something.